Relationships with Ladyboys



First of all: Why not? There is no reason why it should not work? After all, in a male-katoey realationship roles are clear. Much clearer than in most marriages.
A comment of our reader Boonsong made me think about this topic. He wrote as a comment on our last post on lyrics about a transsexual girl, that the lyrics of the famous “Lola”-song by The Kinks tell almost the same story. The story of a romance between a man and a transsexual.
So what about TS-male relationships?
Many of my Katoey friends are in long term relationships. Many of them close to the point of marriage if only law allowed it in Thailand, which it does not.
Others play the role of the so called “mia noi”- a kept woman. Having more than one wife is nothing unusual in Thailand, though only one is official. So why shouldn´t it be the same with a “mia noi katoey”?
I am not so sure about the way it works in Western countries. I know some Thai Ladyboys who married men from Europe and North America, but have no clue how they live and of which quality their relationships and their loves are.
The only full story I know is about a Singaporean TS who fell in love with a German guy and married him. They seem to be pretty happy the last time I heard about them.
In my opinion the fact that a Ladyboy lives together with a man has no special negative influence on the relationship. More difficult to overcome are certainly all obstacles that come along with cross-cultural relationships.
In fact, a partnership with a transsexual might see even less troubles than “normal” couples have to experience. I don´t want to divagate too much on my point of view how “advantageous” we are, but the as mentioned in the beginning of this post the clear roles of man and woman make may save trouble.
Most important: Both partners have to suit each other. Many men who are looking for a relationship with a Ladyboy and eventually find one that is seeking the same, forget about the fact, that a working relationship needs a bigger deal in common than just having found a Ladyboy.
Also a short research on the net shows the same dilemma: Many men have only encounters with TS-prostitutes and hence respective experiences and expectations. But who is to blame? Wouldn´t the experiences and expectations be the same if they lived together with a “normal” prostitute? Again they forget that only small percentages are sex workers but of course they are more visible than the rest.
We are living in modern times. The internet allows people to meet each other without borders. Societies become more open and hopefully the legal restrictions will soon fade and marriages with Ladyboys will be normal. Love must be the guideline not ignorance.

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Kommentare:

Anonym hat gesagt…

Yes Victoria, you are exactly hitting the nail on the head.
I am European and I live with a ladyboy for 9 months now and of course we had our difficulties and I had personal difficulties too. She is simply stunning and likes to dress fashionable without overkill, but practically everywhere we walk we're being looked or worse being stared at. The only fact that you can see she's a ladyboy is that she's 1.80m. In the beginning I didn't care, but after a few months I noticed I tried to avoid public places. This took a month or two and now I got used to this and I don't care I'm just proud to have such a beautiful fiancé. In the end true love will conquer everything!
I haven't told my family yet because I want to tell them face to face and I haven't been back yet.
I just sent some pictures and said I have a relation and we were to engage they didn't notice anything :)
I read many negative things on internet about male relations with ladyboys, but almost without exception they were being picked up in bars were they worked as prostitutes. The negative arguments the men used would apply for living with a lady picked up in such bars as well. No difference at all.
Fortunately my love had little experience in this field.
Nothing bad about prostitutes, but I would never start a relationship with them and even better Now I don't need to. We're thinking about getting married in my home country, in the coming year or so. Unfortunately it has no value in countries like Thailand, but it's just a personal matter.
Keep up your nice blog Victoria!

Victoria hat gesagt…

Hey, thanks for commenting.

We know from the huge feedback we receive that there are thousands of couples of foreign men living in a partnership with Thai Ladyboys. Most of them rather have trouble bringing them back to their countries as Immigration restrictions for Europe and the US are strict to avoid fake marriages. But this applies to born females as well.

If you walk in Thailand together with a Ladyboy, people probably don´t stare because they disregard your relationship, but maybe because they think you are being fooled and haven´t noticed yet who you have in company.

But since both partners are happy, it´s worth accepting it as normal. And as soon as one eradiates self-confidence and normality people stare less and if they do, one doesn´t feel it.

Anonym hat gesagt…

Thanks for you comment, Victoria,
But apart from a holiday I don't I want to bring her home, since I prefer to stay to live here in S-E Asia, having more freedom in live in general and I am not even talking about the acceptance of ladyboys in the EU or in my country Holland. Holland boasts itself as a freedom of thinking country, but you have be either hetero or gay no problem, but choosing the third gender is outside their tolerance limit. Just because they don't know it. It is generally out of the boundaries of a self-proclaimed freedom of spirit country, so I found out, when talking to different people from my country. It will be very interesting if we go on holiday to Muslim countries, starting with Indonesia, Malaysia, Dubai and then Eqypt.
I'm not sure, if we wil be allowed in all hotels. but we'll find out, maybe you know?

Victoria hat gesagt…

I meant it rather as a summary of the feedback we got so far.

But true: I just wrote the latest post

http://phettisaam.blogspot.com/2010/05/ladyboy-freak-shows.html

on how ladyboys are still considered as something freaklike by foreigners visiting Thailand.
And of course, there are thousands of famous gay people omnipresent every day on TV in Western countries, but I can´t even name only one transsexual person who is on screen on a daily basis without being displayed as the freak on Big Brother.
I am not so sure what will happen when you check in a hotel in those countries you mentioned, but I don´t need to guess much to know what their prejudices are.
But don´t worry: You have each other and you are happy in love which let´s you easily overcome these obstacles. Also, most people don´t talk out of disrespect but because an alternative lifestyle is something they´ve never come across and hence makes them curious.
So when they talk, take it as admiration :-)

Anonym hat gesagt…

Hi,

im a 24 year old foreigner living in Bangkok and im a happy relationship with katoey for over 9 month now. She is a good girl, goes to university and loves me honestly.
I could not be happier! In fact it is the best relationship i ever had and i think for the first time, i truly discovered love!

SFChris hat gesagt…

Gay leftists tend to believe in "Visibility at any cost" and gay conservatives tend to discount this perspective and want more carefully controlled media exposure to minimize blowback. Each side can talk a good intellectual game but I'm of the mind that the leftists have brought in a lot more yardage over the years, mostly due to overwhelmingly numbers of left leaning GLBT folks. It's worthwhile to see "The Celluloid Closet (1995)" to see early portrayals of gay people in Hollywood and the struggle for relevance and visibility. Yes, I realize we're talking about Thai transgendered people but I think there are many more similarities than differences. I've been with my transgendered Thai girlfriend for 9 years now. We live in San Francisco. I've had long term relationships with men and women and as a bisexual I can say that there is something particularily mentally and physically fulfilling about being with a tg girl. I've struggled being in a relationship with a cisgendered woman mostly because there is a lack of shared cultural experience that goes along with growing up GLBT. It's not an easy life and that adversity and the resulting introspection changes a person in ways that have no facsimile in straight life. I just wanted to say that I like the blog and i'll be checking it out in the future. Thank you for putting in the time. ~Chris

Victoria hat gesagt…

Thanks, for that great comment. I´ll try to collect some more comments on that topic and will merge them in an update to this post.

Anne hat gesagt…

It an undeniable fact that relationships with a ladyboy is growing. In fact i believe there are a lot of interested men who are looking for single ladyboys. I found this article getting married with a ladyboy. which i believe would help you more.

Rod Fleming hat gesagt…

When I was in Thailand with my transgender girlfriend I wasn't aware of being stared at or any hostility at all, in fact if anything the opposite; people were very friendly, and genuinely nice to her. It is not the same in the Philippines, where she's from, but it has never been an issue for me, though I know it can upset her.

I identify as neither gay nor bi,though I accept that for some people, my relationship defines me as such. But then, they usually belong to sections of society whose opinions I rarely respect anyway, and as far as I'm concerned, transwomen are women.

In the West, at least, I don't see any advantage to transfolk or those attracted to them from jumping on a militant gay bandwagon if anything the opposite. Many Western gays are openly hostile to transwomen, and even more so towards men like me. The problem is that many gays think transfolk are just gays too, which they're not.

Things are not the same in Asia; the underlying cultural situation is completely different, and every Asian culture I have researched has a tradition of 'third sex' or 'second-type woman'. I think this is very old indeed, but has been covered up by more modern cultures and religions. FWIW it also occurs in the Americas, which tends to suggest it has existed for at least 17,000 years, since before the land bridge connecting Asia and America was flooded.

Anyway, we all have to work together; quite simply, the transwomen I know are amongst the most wonderful girls I have ever met, and it's about time they got the recognition they deserve.